"HOW TO COMMUNICATE DURING MARITAL CONFLICTS"
Copyright C 1998 by J.A.Mcbean. Library of Congress Washington.D.C.20559
E ver since the first grain of sand drop on the ocean floor, and the first breath of air escape man’s nostril, man was up to no good from the start. However, God has given to humanity the best gift of all, “marriage”. Marriage can work; every marriage can be a success, even if one spouse is bad the other good one can make a lot of difference to that marriage. If one of our kidneys failed, the other one can make us lives out the rest of our natural life. If one of our eyes dig out the other one can help us to carry on good life, if one side of our brain is blown off the other side can make us live and carry on just like any body else. It takes two bad spouses to break up a marriage, not one, as it seem. One good spouse can carry the marriage for years.
Communication during a quarrel is not an easy thing. Tell yourself that you do not hate this person, and you wishes the person to understand what you are about to say. And that you wish the problem can be resolve easily and quickly without animosity, blood-shedding, and death. When somebody cheated me of money, I reminded my self that the person is just a sufferer and need that brake, no need to get mad at him.
Proverbs 24:3 (KJV) Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:
SAVING THE MARRIAGE BEFORE IT STARTS.
In the book”Marriage works” By American Association Of Christian Counselors. Maco 201., Neil Clark Warren. “Most Marital problems can be trace back to the selection of their mate” The improper selection of mate can doom a marriage even before it start.
2 Cor. 6:14 (KJV) Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
Deut. 22:10 (KJV) Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together.
Ezra 9:11-12 (KJV) Which thou hast commanded by thy servants the prophets, saying, The land, unto which ye go to possess it, is an unclean land with the filthiness of the people of the lands, with their abominations, which have filled it from one end to another with their uncleanness. [12] Now therefore give not your daughters unto their sons, neither take their daughters unto your sons, nor seek their peace or their wealth for ever: that ye may be strong, and eat the good of the land, and leave it for an inheritance to your children for ever.
You cannot put a bicycle wheel on your car and expect it to carry the load, do you? When people are unequally yoke together, personality clash is always a must. The greatest problem I found with unequally yoke, is this “A marriage is strong as its weakest member of that family”. It is the weak one that Satan is going to use. Satan can imprison the person spirit, claim them, and own them. Then uses them, when the good person is home Satan came home, to use the weak mate, when the good person is gone Satan left, so it always seem that as the so call strong mate comes in problem started. You have to be a very clever person, to prevent a quarrel when dealing with a disgruntle person, at the expense of communication. Even a simple question can spark off a fire of contention.
Some mistakes married couple made are as follow. Fall in love base on physical appearances, while ignoring all other characteroral defects. They did not do a criminal background check on intended spouse, but just move in with a child molester and serial killer. Did not ask to see a medical record, nor a credit check, they just run along and married themselves off into bad debt, and tied themselves up with people that are terminally ill and did not even know it themselves. We married off ourselves to people who are bipolar.
“Bipolar Disorder, mental illness in which a person’s mood alternates between extreme mania and depression. Bipolar disorder is also called manic-depressive illness. When manic, people with bipolar disorder feel intensely elated, self-important, energetic, and irritable. When depressed, they experience painful sadness, negative thinking, and indifference to things that used to bring them happiness.”
© 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
Deut. 22:10 (KJV) Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together.
Ezra 9:11-12 (KJV) Which thou hast commanded by thy servants the prophets, saying, The land, unto which ye go to possess it, is an unclean land with the filthiness of the people of the lands, with their abominations, which have filled it from one end to another with their uncleanness. [12] Now therefore give not your daughters unto their sons, neither take their daughters unto your sons, nor seek their peace or their wealth for ever: that ye may be strong, and eat the good of the land, and leave it for an inheritance to your children for ever.
You cannot put a bicycle wheel on your car and expect it to carry the load, do you? When people are unequally yoke together, personality clash is always a must. The greatest problem I found with unequally yoke, is this “A marriage is strong as its weakest member of that family”. It is the weak one that Satan is going to use. Satan can imprison the person spirit, claim them, and own them. Then uses them, when the good person is home Satan came home, to use the weak mate, when the good person is gone Satan left, so it always seem that as the so call strong mate comes in problem started. You have to be a very clever person, to prevent a quarrel when dealing with a disgruntle person, at the expense of communication. Even a simple question can spark off a fire of contention.
Some mistakes married couple made are as follow. Fall in love base on physical appearances, while ignoring all other characteroral defects. They did not do a criminal background check on intended spouse, but just move in with a child molester and serial killer. Did not ask to see a medical record, nor a credit check, they just run along and married themselves off into bad debt, and tied themselves up with people that are terminally ill and did not even know it themselves. We married off ourselves to people who are bipolar.
“Bipolar Disorder, mental illness in which a person’s mood alternates between extreme mania and depression. Bipolar disorder is also called manic-depressive illness. When manic, people with bipolar disorder feel intensely elated, self-important, energetic, and irritable. When depressed, they experience painful sadness, negative thinking, and indifference to things that used to bring them happiness.”
© 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
You cannot put a bicycle wheel on your car and expect it to carry the load, do you? When people are unequally yoke together, personality clash is always a must. The greatest problem I found with unequally yoke, is this “A marriage is strong as its weakest member of that family”. It is the weak one that Satan is going to use. Satan can imprison the person spirit, claim them, and own them. Then uses them, when the good person is home Satan came home, to use the weak mate, when the good person is gone Satan left, so it always seem that as the so call strong mate comes in problem started. You have to be a very clever person, to prevent a quarrel when dealing with a disgruntle person, at the expense of communication. Even a simple question can spark off a fire of contention.
Some mistakes married couple made are as follow. Fall in love base on physical appearances, while ignoring all other characteroral defects. They did not do a criminal background check on intended spouse, but just move in with a child molester and serial killer. Did not ask to see a medical record, nor a credit check, they just run along and married themselves off into bad debt, and tied themselves up with people that are terminally ill and did not even know it themselves. We married off ourselves to people who are bipolar.
“Bipolar Disorder, mental illness in which a person’s mood alternates between extreme mania and depression. Bipolar disorder is also called manic-depressive illness. When manic, people with bipolar disorder feel intensely elated, self-important, energetic, and irritable. When depressed, they experience painful sadness, negative thinking, and indifference to things that used to bring them happiness.”
© 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
“Bipolar Disorder, mental illness in which a person’s mood alternates between extreme mania and depression. Bipolar disorder is also called manic-depressive illness. When manic, people with bipolar disorder feel intensely elated, self-important, energetic, and irritable. When depressed, they experience painful sadness, negative thinking, and indifference to things that used to bring them happiness.” © 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
THE SIX DEATH TRAPS OF MARRIAGE.
Hear says, power struggle, infections due to estrogen deficiency or an absence of estrogen
in the female, can set off and infection that resemble Chlamydia, and none of both partner was guilty of unfaithfulness. The interferences of families and friends, look phobia, or fear of whom your mate is looking at, or who is looking at your mate. If you do not want any body to look at what you got keep it home. Another trouble in marriages is. Money trouble, sexual incompatibility, includes sexual preferences. Foolish games or fantasy.
All of these problems must be talk about and deal with during the premarital counseling session. The marriage Counselor must be the one to talk about these things with each mate separately and then together. You need three counseling session before marriage. One together, one by your self and the last visit together. Have your pr marital agreement type out and prepared then give it to the Counselor. If you inherit a piece of land from your parents or bought a piece of land before you know your mate, you want to have these in the contract that incase the marriage did not work out you wishes to keep your inheritance without sharing any of such things during divorce.
A FAIL EXPECTATION IS THE ROOT OF ALL DISCONTENTMENT.
Some people came to the marriage expected their mate to make them a better person, We failed to realize that no body could fix any body. Only the spirit of God and me can fix me. No body else can fix us. We cannot bring baggage in the marriage, people and must get all their bruises, let down and hurts heal before starting new relationship. When we expect things from people and it did not materialize, it causes us not to be able to communicate with that person on a peaceful manner. Over a period of time we stop communicating and relationship completely broken down, and the marriage end up in divorce court. Discontentment can be planted by either spouse’s family or friends. Discontentment can be planted by hear says. Discontentment can be planted by a clever mind poisoner. Silly spouses fall prey easily to mind prisoners. I saw many marriages broke up in lunch room gossips.
HOW TO COMMUNICATE DURING CONFLICTS.
Any couple can communicate when the love is sweet and every thing going good, but communication during conflicts call for maturity. If you can communicate without using a look down upon tone of voice, name-calling, blaming, and making excuses then you will never have a divorce.
THIS IS NOT MY ENEMY.
The first thing you need to remember in an argument, is this. This person is not my enemy, and even if he/she is an enemy all we are having is a mist understanding. Listen, ask questions, and repeat what you think you heard. Refuse eye contact during conflicting communication. Eye contact during an argument quickly escalates into physical violence. Looking into people eyes during an argument only make me feel to bash them, and above all control your body language. When I am mad with somebody since my voice is big naturally I prefer to write him or her a letter. They cannot say I was shouting at them, and talking down to them. Every thing I have written, is there in a letter. I have a copy and so do you.
DO NOT TAKE A QUESTION FOR AN ACCUSATION.
A comment is not necessarily an accusation, a question is not an accusation. For example, your husband ask “ Honey have you seen my wallet? That is a question, it is not an accusation. Do not treat it as if it is an accusation, by getting all defensive. You only need to reply “ No honey I have not seen your wallet, the last time I saw you with it was by the gas station”.
FOOLISH FANTASY IS ALWAYS OUR PHILOSOPHY.
I heard one woman telling her friends that ever few months are so she fakes a malice with her husband, and allow it to drag on, because when they are making up back it is nice, just like when they first meet. However, some people get their head chop of during these play fight, and play malice. The main reason the other person do not know that all this was only a game. Do not play stupid games with your marriage; these play fight and foolish games end up to be real stuff.
Simple ask your mate to let you both do the courtship over again. You both went on a cruse, do your courtship over. In my opinion, couples suppose to say their vows over I would say at least every ten years of marriage. But look at this, I was marriage at twenty-four years old and now fifty-four and never did my vows over.
HAVING THE MARRIAGE UNLOCK.
I have a book title “ Pr-marital counseling manual” Where we go through all these things and talk about them one by one, so I do not need to do it here in this book. However, I would like to talk about “ Sexual preferences” You need to know where your mate sexual preferences, Some men prefer the anus and some prefers the vagina, some do all three. This is where a lot of Christian marriage ends. One of my woman friend marriage broken up because her husband would never make love to her in the birth canal.
No matter how much she shows him where the vagina is he always ends up in the anus. Finally, the marriage end in bitter divorce. It is not every thing call for a divorce, some thing you can get the marriage declare null and void. If you married and went home only to find out that your mate is a bi sexual something he said he was not you could have the marriage null and void. “ If any of you know any just case why you should not be join, say it now are you are not legally joined” Does this sound like something you heard before?
BELIEVE IN EACH OTHER.
People covet a good marriage, and try to upset it. And if the couple does not have sense ability a smart mind poisoner will certainly break it up for you both. The first thing you must believe in each other or the mind poisoners will get you and derail your marriage by making you drift. It is important to see a mind poisoner at work “Does your husband have a blue car? I saw is car over certain motel, you guys are really living it up, do you?” The mind poisoner know the woman’s husband car, but never saw him or his car at any motel, she is just saying this to plant a doubt in the wife mind and to sent her home upset, which will make them drift apart. You need to ask, what was the license plate number on the car? What day did you saw him? What time of day did you saw him? Did you saw him or did you saw the car only? When you when home you need to tell to your husband what you heard.
The mind poisoner reply “Please do not tell him, he know that I saw him” What the mind poisoner is doing now, she want you to believe, and dwell on it but not to get any verification to know if it is true are false. So a discontentment started in you home and finally lead to unrest, and them domestic violence. A clever mind poisoner can plant doubt, fear, and miss trust in the mind of a simple female and split the marriage wide open.
These can erode the very foundation of your marriage, with jokes, suggestion, and questions alone. It is important for newly married couples to visit marriage healthy church, where you have healthy models. Marriage need healthy environment to grow. The couple must have a preventative plan install, to prevent their marriage from falling in stink water. Be able to find out covetous friends and stay out of their company. Hangs out with people who will encourage you. Above all seek professional people to confide in, you cannot confide in other let down people and looser and be successful.
These can erode the very foundation of your marriage, with jokes, suggestion, and questions alone. It is important for newly married couples to visit marriage healthy church, where you have healthy models. Marriage need healthy environment to grow. The couple must have a preventative plan install, to prevent their marriage from falling in stink water. Be able to find out covetous friends and stay out of their company. Hangs out with people who will encourage you. Above all seek professional people to confide in, you cannot confide in other let down people and looser and be successful.
SOMETIME ONLY JESUS CAN HELP US:
Matthew 6:33-AV But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Isaiah 55:6-AV Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Isaiah 55:7-AV Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
LOOK AT THE BENEFITS OF BECOMING A CHRISTIAN:
How does a person become a Christian, and are sure that he/she is save? First the person must know that he/she is a sinner and need deliverance from the lord.
Romans 3:23 (KJV) for all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
Galatians 3:22 (KJV) But the scripture hath concluded all under sin, that the promise by faith of Jesus Christ might be given to them that believe.
THE SINNER MUST BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A GOD:
Hebrews 11:6 NKJV But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.
THE SINNER MUST BELIEVE THAT GOD IS READY TO FORGIVE HIM:
Isaiah 55:7 (KJV)Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
THE SINNER MUST BELIEVE THAT CHRIST DIED FOR HIM:
Romans 5:6 (KJV) For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
Romans 5:8 (KJV)But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
1 Cor. 15:3-8 (KJV) For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; [4] And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures: [5] And that he was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve: [6] After that, he was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom the greater part remain unto this present, but some are fallen asleep. [7] After that, he was seen of James; then of all the apostles. [8] And last of all he was seen of me also, as of one born out of due time.
MUST BELIEVE THAT GOD CAN KEEP HIM:
Ephes. 3:20 (KJV) Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
Jude 1:24 (KJV) Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,
PERFECTING THE SAINTS IS A WORK OF GOD:
1 Peter 5:10 (KJV) But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, establish, strengthen, settle you.
THE SINNER MUST KNOW THAT ONLY JESUS CAN SAVE THEM:
Acts 4:12 (KJV) Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.
THE SINNER MUST MAKE A DECISION TODAY:
Isaiah 1:18 (KJV) Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.
2 Cor. 6:2 (KJV) (For he saith, I have heard thee in a time accepted, and in the day of salvation have I succoured thee: behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.)
BOW YOUR HEAD AND PRAY THIS PRAYER:
Lord I am a sinner and need your salvation. Forgive all my sins. I accept your son Jesus as my savior today.
We can sing with the song writer" I rise walk in heaven’s own light above the world and sin with heart made pure and garments white, and Christ en-throned with in. The cleansing stream I see I see I plunge, and O It cleans-eth me. O praise the Lord, it cleans-eth me, it cleans-eth me yes, cleans-eth me."
DROP ALL PRE-CONCEIVE IDEAS OF CHRISTIANITY:
Drop all preconceived ideas of Christianity because these conflict with the reality of Christianity. The lord will live the life through you day by day. You do not drop things from your life on your own. The spirit of God will walk you out of sins in his own time.
FIRST HUMBLING YOU:
Ephes. 2:8-9 (KJV)For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: [9] Not of works, lest any man should boast.
If you stop sins and get holy before God’s timing you will begin to boast how it is your own magnetism got you so far, then you became a source of discouragement to others. Therefore, you are going to stuck upon a sin or two. The sin always getting the better of you. This will push you to always accept God’s grace, and to see your own frailness.
1 John 1:8 (KJV) If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
TO CONTINUE GROWING IN GOD:
1 Peter 2:2 (KJV) As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby:
2 Peter 1:5-10 (NKJV) But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, 6 to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, 7 to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. 8 For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins. 10 Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble.
FINDING OUT YOUR CALLING:
When I was newly save, the believers always, ask me if I know the will of God for my life! I never really know what they were talking about. Every person that was saved had a mission and a gift. However, because you are just a babe in Christ you do not know any of these. As you go on with the lord his will for you will unfolds day bay day. Do not run off and make any big commitment. Your mate has to be tailor made for you by God. You are now a citizen of heaven. Heaven does not rule by democracy. You cannot serve God with democratic mind set.
WHAT YOU MUST DROP OFF:
Hebrews 12:1 (Living Bible) Since we have such a huge crowd of men of faith watching us from the grandstands, let us strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back, and especially those sins that wrap themselves so tightly around our feet and trip us up; and let us run with patience the particular race that God has set before us.
Ephes. 4:31 (Living Bible) Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives.
Col. 3:8 (Living Bible) but now is the time to cast off and throw away all these rotten garments of anger, hatred, cursing, and dirty language.
GET A GOOD BIBLE, AND FIND A GOOD CHURCH:
One of the best Bibles out there is the New King James Version. Dake’s annotated Bible is very good. Next, you need a living bible to make some thing simple.
Hebrews 10:25 (Living Bible) Let us not neglect our church meetings, as some people do, but encourage and warn each other, especially now that the day of his coming back again is drawing near.
PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM BEING SPOILED BY MAN:
Col. 2:8 (KJV)Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.
Hebrews 13:9 (KJV) Be not carried about with divers and strange doctrines. For it is a good thing that the heart be established with grace; not with meats, which have not profited them that have been occupied therein.
Seven Ways that People Can Spoil Christians:
1. Through philosophy (Col. 2:8)
2. Through vain deceit (Col. 2:4,8,18-19)
3. Through human traditions (Col. 2:8)
4. Through human religion and world principles contrary to the gospel (Col. 2:8,14-23; note, §Galatians 4:3)
5. Through circumcision (Col. 2:11-13; Acts 15:1; Romans 4:9-16; Galatians 5:1-11)
6. Through the law of Moses, demanding observance of the laws on meats, drinks, holy days, new moons, feasts, and sabbaths (Col. 2:14-17)
7. Through cults that puff up and imitate the gospel (Col. 2:18-23)
By all these means, unsuspecting souls are being carried off as plunder and booty by false teachers. The founders of false religions and human philosophies which pamper the flesh and give their victims elated feelings of importance make an appeal to them.
Christianity is loaded down with some false concept. Some little believe system, which are spread by false believers. One of such teaching is that you must “Look like Christians” How does Christians look? Genuine Christianity is not an external thing but of the heart and spirit.
Micah 6:8 (KJV)He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?
When cults capture a newly converted Christians, the cult first job on that new believer is to close their mind. Preventing the new believer from reading any material from other churches. So that new believer will never get out of their trap.
YOUR HORMONE DOES NOT STOP WORKING WITH CHRISTIANITY:
Philip. 3:20-21 (KJV)For our conversation is in heaven; from whence also we look for the Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ: [21] Who shall change our vile body, that it may be fashioned like unto his glorious body, according to the working whereby he is able even to subdue all things unto himself.
Romans 8:23 (KJV) And not only they, but ourselves also, which have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of our body.
Our bodies were not save at conversion. The work of redemption took place in your spirit man. Our body will be redeemed at the return of our lord. We are still waiting for the redemption of our body.
According to Philip 3:20-21 and Romans 8:23. You are still going to have urges. You have to present your body to the lord as a living sacrifice. Not dead one. Living sacrifice give trouble, you will have trouble keeping that body tied to the altar. However, as you and I grow in the lord what seem impossible will be quite possible.
Come back for update soon.
Bearer Of The Mind Sword.
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